The top 5 most noteworthy people ever born on December 25th

Eris had been born pregnant, and after 55 years (Goddesses have an unusually long gestation period - - longer even than elephants), Her pregnancy bore the fruits of many things… - Principia Discordia

People around the world are soon going to be celebrating the "birthday" of a Nazarene named Jesus. Assuming that guy existed and that the story of his birth as depicted in the bible is accurate, anyone who has ever done a bit of research knows that his birthday was probably in the spring. But December 25^th continues to be the days his followers celebrate as his birthday.

If you can't really get behind the whole Jesus's birthday thing but still feel like it's a good day to celebrate the birth of someone important, here's my Discordian top 5 people born on December 25^th.

Isaac Newton (1642) – Most people know him as the guy who had an apple fall on his head and realized that things seem to fall instead of flying off into space. That story has been thoroughly dismissed as myth, but considering the mind of this man, that nursery school anecdote is the closest that most people will ever come to understanding what he did. The man invented calculus, so he is pretty much equal parts hated and revered by people who ever had to actually learn calculus.

Carlos Castaneda (1925) – Quite possibly the most famous self-help guru to profit from the hippy era. He published books to promote the methods of probably fictional Yaqui Shaman Don Juan Matus. Castaneda invented a magical martial art and became a recluse, keeping the company of three women. Basically Charlie Sheen if he had invented Yoga.

Rick Berman (1945) – This man was Gene Roddenberry's successor to the Star Trek franchise and had his hand in all things Star Trek from TNG onward. There were some great Gems in there, but ultimately he was credited for being the reason that Star Trek is no longer bold.

Jimmy Buffett (1946) – This man is like a totem for the working stiff. His music is largely about taking off to some tropical island and leaving the rat race behind. And who hasn't tried to remember the words to Margaritaville while drunk? Even if you could never Manage, it didn't matter. This guy was the definition of laid back.




Karl Rove (1950) – The man who put the dirty into politics, or at least elevated it to an art form. He learned the tricks of the trade from the Nixon administration and later mastered the art of getting a Bush elected. From campaigns reminding poor people to vote on the day after the election, to outing an active CIA agent, the man helped desensitize the American public to lies and crimes at the highest levels.

The absolute least you can do for the environment

There's a pretty simple case to be made for why people should take steps to help protect our environment. Generally speaking there is only one way people can do this: reduce consumption. However, people in the western world have a habit of being both greedy and lazy. Today I would like to introduce you to the Discordian top 5 ways to save the planet without having to compromise you standard of couch-sitting.


1) Buy electronics that have all the features you want

In fact, you might actually consider buying MORE than you want. In this era of people being brainwashed into buying a new cell phone just because there's a new one available it would be wise to get one that's going to do everything you can imagine wanting to do with it for as far into the future as you can make it. The goal is to reduce electronic waste products by buying quality high-performing products that you aren't going to throw out in 6 months. Treat yourself to the high-end and stick with it for longer. 

2) Double-roll toilet paper

Larger rolls of toilet paper not only mean that you'll have to dig out a new roll less often; they also mean that you throw away less packaging. A double roll means you throw out half as many paper tubes and the reduced empty space means there's less packaging around the whole pack. The bigger the roll and the more rolls per package means less packaging per roll.


3) Pee in the shower

Every time you flush the toilet you are wasting drinking water. By peeing in the shower you save one toilet flush worth of water. It's similar to the "if it's yellow let it mellow" method of saving water, except that your guests won't judge you. Unless you shower with them.


4) Use Cruise Control

In this day and age it's incredible that we still have to use both our upper and lower bodies to drive a vehicle. Aren't we supposed to have robots for that? Well, we kind of do, and they are better at it than we are. Cruise control uses less gas on long trips than your foot on the gas pedal.


5) Toss recyclables on the ground

Litter? Can I be serious? An alarming number of people can't be bothered to take recyclables to the depot to collect their deposit and as a result many bottles and cans end up in landfills. However, in many communities there are homeless people and low income people who aren't above combing the ditches and garbage cans for something that's worth a dime. So if instead of tossing it in the garbage, you left it on the ground someplace visible, there a good chance it will soon end up being recycled without you having to lift a finger.

Hang out with a stranger for $5000

Based on my own collection of anecdotal evidence, if you are a Discordian, you probably have heard of the online game Kingdom of Loathing. This browser-based online game has more active Discordians than I have ever seen in one place that wasn't specifically targeted at Discordians. This is apparently evidence that Discordians are fond of stick figures, puns, and references to They Might Be Giants. Or maybe it's just absurdist humor in general. Either way, the game has been attracting Discordians from all over since February 23, 2003, and has established a loyal player base.

The Founding writer of this Game, known as Mr. Skullhead, recently made an error in judgement. He has been working on a comic book that takes place in the Kingdom of Loathing and decided to pursue backing from the player base. He set up a KickStarter page in the hopes of Raising $4,500 in 40 days. The error? It only took 12 hours. He established a number of "Thank You" rewards for different donation levels, including $23 as a nod to the Discordians (2+3=5).

Most talked-about on the Forums (and chat) of Loathing is the option to pledge $5000, which would be thanked by a personal visit from Mr. Skullhead, himself:

 Joshua Nite, aka Mr. Skullhead, will fly to your home (anywhere in the U.S. -- sorry, rest of the world), hand-deliver all your other rewards, cook you dinner, and hang out until you ask, nay, beg him to leave. He knows lots of jokes and stories, can quote literally hundreds of movies, and even plays a little guitar! You can't buy quality entertainment like that, unless you totally do.

Nobody has yet to pledge that amount, so what are you waiting for? You know you're lonely and in need of a friend.

  

The trouble with Atheists

Greyface and his followers took the game of playing at life more seriously than they took life itself and were known even to destroy other living beings whose ways of life differed from their own. – Principia Discordia

Atheists. What is the deal with atheists? I'm not at all confused about atheism, which makes sense. Atheism makes sense after evaluation of one's religious experiences and subsequent rejection of their worth. It's the atheists that I don't get. It's like when they concluded that religion was damaging, they forgot that it was the damage that was negative, and not the religion, and proceeded to do their own damage, but in the name of Atheism instead of in the name of God.

Many atheists claim their beliefs are grounded in science and that they don't believe in things that can't be proven by science. This presents an interesting paradox because the disbelief in any form of deity has no scientific grounds. Basically, these atheists do not have a full understanding of the scientific method. A scientific hypothesis must be falsifiable, meaning that it is possible to prove it wrong. As an example, if I had a deck of cards and claimed the top card was the ace of spades. If I were wrong that would be proven when the card was turned over to reveal a different card. The existence of deity cannot be disproven through objective observation, therefore to hold a firm belief, as either a theist, or an atheist, is completely independent of science and both positions are equally valid (or invalid).

Another big hypocrisy that vocal atheist are prone to is in regards to the free practice of religion. Atheist activists categorically dismiss all religious beliefs as ridiculous, including those religions which are technically Atheist, or those that are fully accepting of science, as ridiculous. According to http://www.atheists.org :

We're respectful of the American people's individual rights to practice as they see fit (equal to our rights to do the same), but this does not mean we have to respect the decision.  If you choose to ignore logic and knowledge in order to believe in an invisible magic man in the sky, or Santa Claus for that matter, you've made a ridiculous decision and we're not going to pretend it's "just another way of looking at things."

The bulk of their vitriol is directed towards Abrahamic religions which are the religions of power and influence in most of the world. Atheists are hardly the only group to be frustrated by the ridiculousness of culturally mandated ignorance, but they destroy their chance of having political allies by summarily dismissing all belief systems as the same as those that kill people and demand lesser education for our children.

While it makes perfect sense to attack religious beliefs that fly in face of all evidence (such as the denial of evolution) or churches that extort money from their followers, it doesn't make sense to dismiss all spiritual people as ridiculous. As a Discordian, if you are going to call me ridiculous, I want you to know what you're talking about, first. I'm not offended if someone reads the principia and concludes it's ridiculous, but I am offended if someone reads the Bible and concludes that the principia is ridiculous, because that's just plain ignorant.

Rebecca Black vs Jenna Rose

It is also believed that they have been costuming cabbages and passing them off as human beings. – Principia Discordia

It seems that everyone loves to hate Rebecca Black's impossibly vapid single "Friday", and for reasons that are mostly apparent: it's mindless, repetitive, and speaks to nothing but a privileged adolescence. One thing I noticed about the song that nobody seems to be saying is that it makes Jenna Rose look good.

Jenna Rose, another YouTube darling, has a single called "My Jeans" about, you guessed it, Jeans. The song is pretty mindless and is about a girl who has a pair of Jeans that she sees someone famous wearing in a magazine and therefore feels superior to her peers whose jeans are not featured in a magazine. By comparison, Rebecca Black's "Friday" is about how Friday is when the weekend starts, and weekends are "fun, fun, fun, fun, etc…"

 
When you compare the two songs, both of them are about the simpler concerns of a relatively privileged adolescence and lack any real emotional depth. They both have a catchy repetitiveness, but not so catchy that you feel compelled to listen to them again. However, "My Jeans" comes off as more genuine and whimsical. It's shallow, but in a way that you feel a young girl might actually have written it, enjoyed writing it, and felt proud when it was finished. Rebecca Black's video comes off as a little too polished to be the whimsical work of a young girl and ends up taking itself too seriously, which is why she's now an internet joke.

 
Rebecca Black's "Friday" is about such privilege that her life is made up of nothing but fun and school. While most kids have reason to look forward to the weekend, many have to work or help the family with chores. While Jenna Rose's song also speaks to privilege, there is nothing in the song that prevents a teenager who had to get a job to buy their own clothes from relating to the thrill of wearing something that was featured in a magazine.

While both Rebecca Black and Jenna Rose are shallow and simplistic, Jenna Rose manages, by comparison, to have more content and to be more relatable, and generally seems less manufactured. This raises an important question: Is it actually a good thing to have someone who makes Jenna Rose look good achieve as much fame as Rebecca Black?

Vaccine for cat ladies discovered

A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way. - Mark Twain

I think we all have one of those friends. The one with 2 cats that she obsesses over, buying them toys, treats and the latest designer litter box. She lets them sleep with her, she buries her face in their fur with affection, and maybe, just maybe, she will actually complain about her allergies. Whether she complains or not, you can see them: those big, puffy red eyes begging you to take the cats away from her. Of course, you never step in. You know that those cats are your friends surrogate children and you wouldn't dare get in the way of that relationship. The most you could ever do is fetch your friend a pack of antihistamines and hope it works out.

It has always been a mystery why cat allergies weren't enough to keep someone from becoming at cat lady. Surely the universe was trying to communicate to these people that they should not live with cats, or at the very least not sleep with them. Were they fanatics who considered themselves martyrs for some feline cause? Do they somehow feel that they deserve to suffer? Do they own stock in an antihistamine manufacturer? These questions may never be answered, and thanks to a recent discovery, we may soon be able to stop asking.

Researchers at McMaster University have discovered a cure for your friend's troubles: a vaccine that reduces, or even eliminates completely, allergies to cats. That means that your friend can love their furry companions and not have to suffer for it (unless, of course, the stuffy nose was saving them from smelling the litter box). The vaccine, currently in clinical trials, is supposed to have very few side effects compared to current immunotherapy shots and requires fewer injections.

This vaccine's potential is seemingly endless when it comes to benefitting cat ladies: every friend or love interest who kept their distance because they didn't want to deal with their allergies is suddenly going to be able to pet those adorable kitties and only be thinking about how soft and friendly they are. The vaccine could also have benefits for people who aren't particularly fond of cats, such as people who come into contact with cat dander through their jobs, such as house cleaners or veterinarians. Even better, the researchers are working on developing similar vaccines for other environmental allergens such as hay fever. If the trials are a success, taking antihistamine tablets for allergies could become a thing of the past.

The only question that remains is if the vaccine will remove the stigma associated with being a cat lady. If so, the prescription will probably come with directions: "For best results, limit number of cats."

Canada Rockets toward The Next Generation

I certainly remember building model rockets. It was fun to watch the rocket blast into the air, suspenseful to wonder if the parachute would open to bring the rocket safely back. - Eric Allin Cornell

Canada will be going to the polls on May 2^nd and a few things of note are going on in the lead-up to the election. The first is vote mobs. Canadian youth are trying to encourage their peers to participate in the electoral process using a public protest style. This is news because Canadian youth are capable of being interested in the politics of virtually any country except Canada. The second point of interest is the surge in popularity of the New Democrat Party. Recent polls have the NDP placing 2^nd in this election.

NDP Leader Jack Layton

The NDP placing 2^nd may not seem particularly noteworthy on its own, especially given that those same polls see Canada heading towards another Conservative minority government. However, if the NDP get enough seats, they may end up leading the country anyway. The Liberals have been hesitant to form a coalition government because it apparently loses them some credibility, something the NDP has never really worried about (see photo). It seems more likely that a coalition would actually happen with the NDP in charge, since they've never been expected to form a majority government. The Liberals can tag along as nearly 50% partners while the NDP take the heat for teaming up with the "separatist" Bloc Quebecois, and that's only if they need their seats to out-number Conservative leader Steven Harper.

The election can still go any number of directions, especially if enough young people actually vote. Young people are where pollsters may be made fools: they are less likely to be polled. The election could go in any direction if people did the thing that they were least expected to do and just voted.

It may be unexpected to hear such tradition advice from a Discordian blog. The expected thing for a Discordian to do might be to spoil their ballot, possibly by drawing a cannabis leaf or a cartoon version of male genitalia. However, that's the sort of thing that Discordians have always done, and it's getting a bit predictable. Maybe the young rebels should change it up a bit and draw that image of protest neatly inside the check box next to the candidate you'd most like to see win.

Another Chink in Wal-Mart’s Veneer

Leave it to a girl to take all the fun out of sex discrimination. – Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes

One of the biggest beacons of artificially imposed order is going to be facing the Supreme Court in the United States over its treatment of female employees. The company is being accused of systematic discrimination ranging from issues of pay equity and being passed over for promotions, to being segregated on company trips. It's remarkable that Wal-Mart has been accused of many things ranging from destroying small businesses to slavery, most of which has been substantiated, and yet they continue to grow with the support of the masses behind them. Why is that? The most likely answer is ignorance. Or most people hold contempt for other human beings bordering on true evil.

Most people justify shopping at Wal-Mart by citing the prices. In some cases, this might make sense. The things that Wal-Mart sells that are true necessities are food and clothes. The clothes tend to be very cheap and the food tends to be 1-2 cents cheaper than a grocery store. Almost everything else they sell is consumerist junk that nobody needs. Yes it's such a big deal to get that XBOX for a few cents less. In many cases, Wal-Mart isn't any cheaper. So many people who shop there do so exclusively and will overpay for all kinds of things while believing they are getting a deal. The real question is: Do Wal-Mart shoppers consider the whole price?

Ignorance. Sometimes the only way to have faith in humanity is to believe that they are morons who think about nothing except food and television. The alternative is that the humble Wal-Mart shopper picks up that discounted thing-a-ma-bob and says to themselves "this is an excellent price, well worth knowing that women were raped and forced to have abortions so that I could get such a good price" or "I'm comfortable knowing that this is made from wood taken from a protected habitat and an endangered species may go extinct if people continue to buy these products". Having faith in humanity means believing that if they knew what they were paying for, they would spend their money on something else. But then you have to confront why so many people are ignorant about something that has been so well documented. Most people ARE aware that Wal-Mart gets at least some of its products from sweat shops. Unfortunately, most people believe that the worst qualities of sweat shops are long hours, little pay, and a lack of air conditioning. They tend not to know about the rape, murder, slavery, and extortion, for example.

Wal-Mart is an embodiment of destructive order, and people wait in line for their turn to pay the machine. As with so many things, ignorance is the enemy. When someone you know shops at Wal-Mart, ask them if it was worth the price. Then ask them if they knew that God is a Crazy Woman.

American Dream in Chaos

Out of the darkness, the chaos of time,\The whirlwind gave birth to the Mother sublime -Jean M. Auel, The Land of Painted Caves


There seems to be a great deal of anxiety when people's lives' take a turn for the unexpected. We have been taught that there is a particular pattern that one's life should follow and that following the pattern is "success" is its purest form. However, the trip to the suburban lifestyle is not always an easy one, and, as it turns out, it's not supposed to be.

Following the expected path to picket fences is the surest way to be knocked off the path by someone more ambitious. Success is a war, and the people who share the battlefield are no longer allies, if they ever were. Despite the continued expectation that people go to college to get a good job, there are still high school dropouts who become successful business owners. The corporate buzz-phrase "thinking outside of the box" is, in fact, a Discordian idea. Of course, in the corporate context, they are comfortable knowing that there is a box, and prefer to just pop their heads outside once in a while to make sure things are moving in the desired direction.

If you are an individual who wants to succeed outside the corporate structure, the most effective way is to burn the box. If taken literally, that pretty much involves re-enacting the movie Fight Club to its conclusion. This may not be the best approach as it involves putting yourself in considerable danger. You should, however, be willing to take a risk. The current state of the American Dream has so many people going for the same goal in the same way that it is propping up a disproportionate amount of order in the universe. Chaos wants to have its chance, and if you take a big enough risk doing something unconventional enough, with a unique goal, Eris may very well reward you with success.

Of course, Eris doesn't define success in terms of suburban dreams, so it's best to truly have a unique goal. Best to close your eyes, spin in circles, then just start walking, because an object in motion will remain in motion, and you don't want to get stuck at a red light at the intersection of life.

The remarkable anti-gravity properties of money

We Erisians seldom pray, it's much too dangerous. Charles Fort has listed many factual incidences of ignorant people confronted with, say, a drought, and then praying fervently – and then getting the entire village wiped out in a torrential flood. – Principia Discordia

President Reagan was a strong proponent of what many people currently refer to as trickle-down economics. It's now known to be a bunch of nonsense, but Reagan can hardly be blamed for his ignorance. The driving principle behind the idea was simple physics: what goes up must come down. It had a strong intuitive truth to it, after all, water leached from the earth eventually trickled back down in the form of rain, and it had been well documented that shit travels downhill, so why shouldn't money do the same?

In fact, money shows a particular talent for traveling uphill. It's not known why this was not observed sooner, but the effects of it can be seen everywhere, most clearly in the banks. Banks are theoretically the cornerstones of the trickle-down economy: they amass wealth, and then distribute it in the form of loans. The rest of the process is ignored in the trickle-down model; the banks then collect on the loans with interest. This demonstrates one of money's most important properties and purposes: money attracts more money.

Many people have been duped into believing that the purpose of money is for buying things. The popularity of this belief is actually one of the simplest ways that money attracts more money: by investing an amount of money into the development, sale, and marketing of a product, the investor can collect money from people who purchase those products. By promoting the belief that money is for buying things, they can easily separate people from ALL of their money.

One of the most interesting things that has been observed about money is it's affinity for floating upward. The hidden potential behind this property has not been fully explored and it is open to exploration for anyone to try. Here are some experiments that anyone could try:

1. Make shoes out of money and attempt to walk on water. Note: this should not be attempted on a fountain or any other body of water where people tend to toss coins. As money attracts money, this could interfere with the experiment, or cause one to be held underwater to drown.
   
2. Cover your mattress with money to discover if it will make you mattress lighter and potentially lead to a more comfortable sleep. This might explain why the wiser generation was so fond of keeping their cash in their mattresses.
   
3. Attach money to your key chain and create a dowsing rod with money attached to the end and see if this helps you find your keys.
   
4. When reading Tolstoy, use money as a bookmark to determine if it makes the reading any lighter.
   
5. Fill a balloon with money to uncover an alternative to helium. 

China captures dangerous artist

He deluded honest men to believe that reality was a straightjacket affair and not the happy romance as men had known it. – Principia Discordia

If you are ever unsure about whether there really are forces in the world trying to maintain dangerous levels of order, just have a quick look over at China. On Sunday, artist Ai Weiwei was prevented from leaving the country and is being held by the government. China is so committed to order that not only are people not allowed to criticize the government, they aren't allowed to leave the country. Apparently if Chinese dissidents were to actually leave the country, it would upset some sort of internal balance that the country is maintaining. It is as if people who are critical of the government are necessary for proper digestion when they eat the population whole, and they simply can't bear to get the hiccups.

Sometimes you might see someone dancing in the street dressed as a brightly coloured dragon and ask yourself how that could possibly be a symbol of strength for one of the most order-obsessed countries in the world. The simple fact is that it has been their symbol since long before they were the oppressive dictatorship we know today and that changing it would involve just that: change. Change is chaos, and China is a country afraid of Chaos. It's understandable: having billions of people under your control is a dangerous situation. Giving them voice, or at least a non-state-approved voice, could easily crumble the entire power structure.

Countries across the Middle East have been overthrowing their dictators, and rumblings of discontent and democracy have been heard across China. Right now the world is seeing change happen in places where the government does not represent the interests of the people. The Chinese government is particularly fearful that it could happen to them, and they are ready and willing to stop it. At least it appears that way, if you assume that keeping internationally-renown artists from leaving the country will somehow prevent the population from erupting.

How to watch a 3D movie

Pyrotechnics of pure energy formed her flowing hair, and rainbows manifested and dissolved as she spoke – Principia Discordia

There seems to be few trends in the entertainment industry that have revealed the desperation of producers to separate people from their hard-earned minimum wage. One such example is the reliance on sequels to lure people back to the theatres. This year we will be given the opportunity to spend our money on no less than 27 movie sequels. This is apparently a new record for recycling ideas.

Sequels are not necessarily bad. If you are familiar with the Discordian numbering system, then you know that all movies worth watching come in groups of five. For example, the best Star Wars movie is Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back. It is immaterial that it was not actually the 5^th movie made. The #5 in its title is sufficient. If you want some advice on which of the sequels are friendly to the Discordian system, then you are in luck!

1. Fast Five – This is the 5^th instalment of the Fast and the Furious franchise, but only the third that includes Vin Deisel. It not only fits the numbering system, but if you weren't familiar with the series, you might not even know it was a sequel.
   
2. The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn -- Part 1 – This is the fourth instalment of the Twilight Saga, but as you can tell from the title, there is still one more to come. Some Discordian in Hollywood thought it would be better to turn the 4-book series into a 5-movie series, and they were right!
   
3. Final Destination 5 – This could easily be the perfect fifth movie. Nothing is suited better to the 5-ology format than a horror movie exploiting teenagers' sense of mortality.
   
4. X-Men: First Class – This is the fifth X-Men movie, but only the second origins movie, so there could be some debate as to its right to be on this list. If they continue to put money into this franchise with the same concern for quality, we'll probably make it to the sacred number 23, so either way, we win!
   
5. Rise of the Apes – This is a new Planet of the Apes movie. The original series of films were released between 1968 and 1973, and numbered exactly 5. Then they made a remake and failed to produce sequels. Given the time travel involved in the original series, it appears that this is some sort of inbetweenquel, so you could probably assign it a decimal and it will still fit the numbering scheme.
   

If sequels aren't your thing, perhaps you are more prone to Hollywood's other great strategy: 3D. It's a fantastic scheme because you could show up for a matinee or mid-week showing when tickets are typically cheaper, and if you want to watch a 3D movie, you have to pay full price, which is actually full price plus $3. 3D movies are able to do this because the experience is so unique. After all, real life is not 3D. However, I have devised a way for you to get the full 3D experience at home:

1. Obtain some money, approximately $13-$15, or whatever the cost of a 3D movie at your local theatre.
   
2. Find an open area, like a park, field, or even a street.
   
3. Wad up the money so that it is a single weighted lump.
   
4. Throw it as hard as you can in the direction with the fewest obstacles.
   
5. Observe as your money APPEARS to be getting farther away from you, just like a REAL 3D movie!

Living in a wealthy nation makes you fat

A Discordian shall partake of No Hot Dog Buns, - Principia Discordia


 
Yet another study has been published showing how everyone living in a wealthy country is making themselves fat and diabetic. The latest culprit is the unholy combination of fast food and coffee. If people haven’t always known that fast food was bad for you and makes you fat, Super Size Me should have pretty much cleared up any confusion. This time the list of suspects includes one of people's favourite products of colonialization: Coffee.

Coffee has been a beverage of the rich ever since Haitian slaves were producing it for the western world in the 1700s. Today, we still import it from many of the same places that we were 100s of years ago, and it is a part of everyday life for virtually everyone living in a western nation, not just the rich. Now, the most important tool in your ability to work a double shift is proven to be damaging to your waistline when paired with the only food you have time to eat during that same double shift. What is a poor caffeine fiend to do?

I suppose that the first thing that you'd want to do is just stop caring. Your blood sugar fluctuates all the time. What's another massive spike? Then you might panic about diabetes and want to go in another direction. What's the best way to eat healthy and avoid oppression of developing nations? You want to still to foods that can be found near your home. Ideally, foods you can harvest yourself. Planting an apple tree and waiting for the apples is a bit too long-term for most people in a blood-sugar induced panic, so best to stick to what you can do right now. Dandelions are pretty easy find in many cities and suburbs, especially if you aren't too diligent about lawn care. Conveniently, they are also very nutritious!

Once you've mastered the art of dandelion salads, you may still be hungry. This will take considerably more skill, but the rewards could keep you fed indefinitely: both rats and pigeons are made of meat. Many people choose to overlook this fact, but it is absolutely true. And, with responsible harvesting, you won't even take any food away from the hobos!

NO HOT DOG BUNS Fridge Magnet

Another Day, Another War

The United States of America has been Balkanized, has been divided into twenty petty nations so that it will never again be a threat to world peace. – Kurt Vonnegut, Slaughterhouse Five

Since President Obama decided to have the American military step in and let its presence be felt in the form of air strikes, we are once again faced with the American self-appointed watchdog of the world unilaterally deciding who deserves to be "free" and then "freeing" them. The American Revolution was a remarkable and fascinating event in history, where a colony threw off its shackles and made its own decisions about how things were going to be, inspiring the French Revolution which set off a chain reaction across Europe. It was all, undoubtedly, an unpredictable mess at the time. People died, dictators were overthrown, and people were inspired.

Now, hundreds of years later, the United States is behaving as if it has uncovered the secret to the perfect government, and it's going to follow some sort of established pattern of behavior that is destined to make the rest of the world just like them: Free. It's like they are trying to replay the American Revolution over and over, except that they don't realize that it just doesn't work with big brother pulling the strings. The situation in Iraq is some sort of dysfunction parent-child empty nest thing where you can't tell if the child won't let go of the parent or vice versa. Either way, everyone else thinks it's time for the kid to move out and make it on their own.

One of the really great things about the American Revolution is the way that the French soldiers were influenced and inspired by the Americans they fought beside. To maintain stability, this is the one thing the government has fairly effectively managed to control. There will not be droves of soldiers coming home from Libya looking to stir things up at home because of how inspiring the Libyan rebels were. That's one of the benefits of using air strikes – it keeps the distance. They also maintain their ability to control the narrative. That must be the most important thing, after all. With the whole world constantly on the verge of total chaos, it's the narrative that keeps them feeling safe. It doesn't really matter what happens or why, as long as they can make it fit into a palatable version of the story that won't have the masses rise up, or break off.

Chaos separates twins

Contradictions are nothing to Discordians. – Mad Malik of the Norton Cabal

An entertaining finding has come out of Canadian bioscience. Apparently, Canadian identical twins are not really identical. Presumably, we are expected to extrapolate that ALL identical twins are not truly identical, but that’s just not good science.

The findings of the Canadian researchers are basically that genes are dynamic and that small changes take place across the lifespan that occur independent of someone else having shared the same womb and genetic material.

Since most cultures in the world have long since gotten of the disturbing romanticization that identical twins are the same person, the societal implications of these findings are minimal. In fact, to most people, this neatly explains why Mary-Kate Olsen is disturbingly thin and addicted to cocaine, and Ashley Olsen somehow manages to mostly stay out of the tabloids. 

The researchers want to point to the consequences on centuries or research, lamenting that they could never have the perfect control group after all. Unfortunately there is, and always has been, chaos in everything. In this case, the chaos in question is what the researchers know as confounds. They are always there, potentially messing with every attempt to determine a cause and effect relationship. The real lesson here is that there is no such thing as a perfect experiment. Chaos is everywhere. The only difference in a laboratory is that, if you’re very lucky, you’ll get to see exactly how it shatters everything you thought you knew, in real time.

 

Baby causes chaos for public transport

Suffice to say that Eris is not hateful of malicious. – Principia Discordia

A bizarre bit of news caught my attention today. Apparently a woman and her child in Australia were kicked off of a bus because the baby was laughing too loudly. The situation is pretty fascinating to anyone who has ever ridden public transit: of all the things that have ever happened to justify kicking someone off a bus, this driver had to pick on a happy baby.

Sometimes, I guess people just have to find some way to impose order and this baby was an easy target. It is, after all, difficult to find more evidence that people are predisposed towards chaos than by observing small children and babies.  They will laugh, cry, wet themselves, and demand to be fed, without regard for cultural standards, where they happen to be, or what anyone will think of them. For someone who has dedicated themselves to order, a baby is an easy target. 

The driver didn’t even target a crying baby, which everyone knows is beyond anyone’s power to quiet reliably without causing serious injury. Instead, the target was a happy baby, and it is easy to make a baby unhappy, so this mother was targeted for not using her power to make her child unhappy. It certainly makes me wonder what kind or narcissist this bus driver must be to think that her whim should be enough for a mother to interfere with a child’s happiness. 

By trying to keep some extreme version of order on her bus, the driver has probably thrown her own life into chaos: the kind of uproar that has resulted after this incident usually sees results. The predictable result will be that the driver will lose her job. This is usually the easiest way for an organization to deal with high-profile complaints.

Changing tone for a moment, I would like to explore some scenarios in which the bus driver may have been in the right:

1. The bus was being high-jacked and the driver wanted to protect the child without drawing dangerous attention to the high-jacking.
2. The bus had failed to pass an emissions check and the passenger’s area of the bus was found to be filled with a level of toxic fumes dangerous to children.
3. It was not a baby at all, but a bomb concealed in baby clothes.
4. The baby had a sonic-based super power, and the laughing was causing glass to break and ears to bleed.