How to watch a 3D movie

Pyrotechnics of pure energy formed her flowing hair, and rainbows manifested and dissolved as she spoke – Principia Discordia

There seems to be few trends in the entertainment industry that have revealed the desperation of producers to separate people from their hard-earned minimum wage. One such example is the reliance on sequels to lure people back to the theatres. This year we will be given the opportunity to spend our money on no less than 27 movie sequels. This is apparently a new record for recycling ideas.

Sequels are not necessarily bad. If you are familiar with the Discordian numbering system, then you know that all movies worth watching come in groups of five. For example, the best Star Wars movie is Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back. It is immaterial that it was not actually the 5^th movie made. The #5 in its title is sufficient. If you want some advice on which of the sequels are friendly to the Discordian system, then you are in luck!

1. Fast Five – This is the 5^th instalment of the Fast and the Furious franchise, but only the third that includes Vin Deisel. It not only fits the numbering system, but if you weren't familiar with the series, you might not even know it was a sequel.
   
2. The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn -- Part 1 – This is the fourth instalment of the Twilight Saga, but as you can tell from the title, there is still one more to come. Some Discordian in Hollywood thought it would be better to turn the 4-book series into a 5-movie series, and they were right!
   
3. Final Destination 5 – This could easily be the perfect fifth movie. Nothing is suited better to the 5-ology format than a horror movie exploiting teenagers' sense of mortality.
   
4. X-Men: First Class – This is the fifth X-Men movie, but only the second origins movie, so there could be some debate as to its right to be on this list. If they continue to put money into this franchise with the same concern for quality, we'll probably make it to the sacred number 23, so either way, we win!
   
5. Rise of the Apes – This is a new Planet of the Apes movie. The original series of films were released between 1968 and 1973, and numbered exactly 5. Then they made a remake and failed to produce sequels. Given the time travel involved in the original series, it appears that this is some sort of inbetweenquel, so you could probably assign it a decimal and it will still fit the numbering scheme.
   

If sequels aren't your thing, perhaps you are more prone to Hollywood's other great strategy: 3D. It's a fantastic scheme because you could show up for a matinee or mid-week showing when tickets are typically cheaper, and if you want to watch a 3D movie, you have to pay full price, which is actually full price plus $3. 3D movies are able to do this because the experience is so unique. After all, real life is not 3D. However, I have devised a way for you to get the full 3D experience at home:

1. Obtain some money, approximately $13-$15, or whatever the cost of a 3D movie at your local theatre.
   
2. Find an open area, like a park, field, or even a street.
   
3. Wad up the money so that it is a single weighted lump.
   
4. Throw it as hard as you can in the direction with the fewest obstacles.
   
5. Observe as your money APPEARS to be getting farther away from you, just like a REAL 3D movie!