The remarkable anti-gravity properties of money

We Erisians seldom pray, it's much too dangerous. Charles Fort has listed many factual incidences of ignorant people confronted with, say, a drought, and then praying fervently – and then getting the entire village wiped out in a torrential flood. – Principia Discordia

President Reagan was a strong proponent of what many people currently refer to as trickle-down economics. It's now known to be a bunch of nonsense, but Reagan can hardly be blamed for his ignorance. The driving principle behind the idea was simple physics: what goes up must come down. It had a strong intuitive truth to it, after all, water leached from the earth eventually trickled back down in the form of rain, and it had been well documented that shit travels downhill, so why shouldn't money do the same?

In fact, money shows a particular talent for traveling uphill. It's not known why this was not observed sooner, but the effects of it can be seen everywhere, most clearly in the banks. Banks are theoretically the cornerstones of the trickle-down economy: they amass wealth, and then distribute it in the form of loans. The rest of the process is ignored in the trickle-down model; the banks then collect on the loans with interest. This demonstrates one of money's most important properties and purposes: money attracts more money.

Many people have been duped into believing that the purpose of money is for buying things. The popularity of this belief is actually one of the simplest ways that money attracts more money: by investing an amount of money into the development, sale, and marketing of a product, the investor can collect money from people who purchase those products. By promoting the belief that money is for buying things, they can easily separate people from ALL of their money.

One of the most interesting things that has been observed about money is it's affinity for floating upward. The hidden potential behind this property has not been fully explored and it is open to exploration for anyone to try. Here are some experiments that anyone could try:

1. Make shoes out of money and attempt to walk on water. Note: this should not be attempted on a fountain or any other body of water where people tend to toss coins. As money attracts money, this could interfere with the experiment, or cause one to be held underwater to drown.
   
2. Cover your mattress with money to discover if it will make you mattress lighter and potentially lead to a more comfortable sleep. This might explain why the wiser generation was so fond of keeping their cash in their mattresses.
   
3. Attach money to your key chain and create a dowsing rod with money attached to the end and see if this helps you find your keys.
   
4. When reading Tolstoy, use money as a bookmark to determine if it makes the reading any lighter.
   
5. Fill a balloon with money to uncover an alternative to helium.