I certainly remember building model rockets. It was fun to watch the rocket blast into the air, suspenseful to wonder if the parachute would open to bring the rocket safely back. - Eric Allin Cornell
Canada will be going to the polls on May 2nd and a few things of note are going on in the lead-up to the election. The first is vote mobs. Canadian youth are trying to encourage their peers to participate in the electoral process using a public protest style. This is news because Canadian youth are capable of being interested in the politics of virtually any country except Canada. The second point of interest is the surge in popularity of the New Democrat Party. Recent polls have the NDP placing 2nd in this election.
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| NDP Leader Jack Layton |
The NDP placing 2nd may not seem particularly noteworthy on its own, especially given that those same polls see Canada heading towards another Conservative minority government. However, if the NDP get enough seats, they may end up leading the country anyway. The Liberals have been hesitant to form a coalition government because it apparently loses them some credibility, something the NDP has never really worried about (see photo). It seems more likely that a coalition would actually happen with the NDP in charge, since they've never been expected to form a majority government. The Liberals can tag along as nearly 50% partners while the NDP take the heat for teaming up with the "separatist" Bloc Quebecois, and that's only if they need their seats to out-number Conservative leader Steven Harper.
The election can still go any number of directions, especially if enough young people actually vote. Young people are where pollsters may be made fools: they are less likely to be polled. The election could go in any direction if people did the thing that they were least expected to do and just voted.
It may be unexpected to hear such tradition advice from a Discordian blog. The expected thing for a Discordian to do might be to spoil their ballot, possibly by drawing a cannabis leaf or a cartoon version of male genitalia. However, that's the sort of thing that Discordians have always done, and it's getting a bit predictable. Maybe the young rebels should change it up a bit and draw that image of protest neatly inside the check box next to the candidate you'd most like to see win.
Leave it to a girl to take all the fun out of sex discrimination. – Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes
One of the biggest beacons of artificially imposed order is going to be facing the Supreme Court in the United States over its treatment of female employees. The company is being accused of systematic discrimination ranging from issues of pay equity and being passed over for promotions, to being segregated on company trips. It's remarkable that Wal-Mart has been accused of many things ranging from destroying small businesses to slavery, most of which has been substantiated, and yet they continue to grow with the support of the masses behind them. Why is that? The most likely answer is ignorance. Or most people hold contempt for other human beings bordering on true evil.
Most people justify shopping at Wal-Mart by citing the prices. In some cases, this might make sense. The things that Wal-Mart sells that are true necessities are food and clothes. The clothes tend to be very cheap and the food tends to be 1-2 cents cheaper than a grocery store. Almost everything else they sell is consumerist junk that nobody needs. Yes it's such a big deal to get that XBOX for a few cents less. In many cases, Wal-Mart isn't any cheaper. So many people who shop there do so exclusively and will overpay for all kinds of things while believing they are getting a deal. The real question is: Do Wal-Mart shoppers consider the whole price?
Ignorance. Sometimes the only way to have faith in humanity is to believe that they are morons who think about nothing except food and television. The alternative is that the humble Wal-Mart shopper picks up that discounted thing-a-ma-bob and says to themselves "this is an excellent price, well worth knowing that women were raped and forced to have abortions so that I could get such a good price" or "I'm comfortable knowing that this is made from wood taken from a protected habitat and an endangered species may go extinct if people continue to buy these products". Having faith in humanity means believing that if they knew what they were paying for, they would spend their money on something else. But then you have to confront why so many people are ignorant about something that has been so well documented. Most people ARE aware that Wal-Mart gets at least some of its products from sweat shops. Unfortunately, most people believe that the worst qualities of sweat shops are long hours, little pay, and a lack of air conditioning. They tend not to know about the rape, murder, slavery, and extortion, for example.
Wal-Mart is an embodiment of destructive order, and people wait in line for their turn to pay the machine. As with so many things, ignorance is the enemy. When someone you know shops at Wal-Mart, ask them if it was worth the price. Then ask them if they knew that God is a Crazy Woman.
Out of the darkness, the chaos of time,\The whirlwind gave birth to the Mother sublime -Jean M. Auel, The Land of Painted Caves
There seems to be a great deal of anxiety when people's lives' take a turn for the unexpected. We have been taught that there is a particular pattern that one's life should follow and that following the pattern is "success" is its purest form. However, the trip to the suburban lifestyle is not always an easy one, and, as it turns out, it's not supposed to be.
Following the expected path to picket fences is the surest way to be knocked off the path by someone more ambitious. Success is a war, and the people who share the battlefield are no longer allies, if they ever were. Despite the continued expectation that people go to college to get a good job, there are still high school dropouts who become successful business owners. The corporate buzz-phrase "thinking outside of the box" is, in fact, a Discordian idea. Of course, in the corporate context, they are comfortable knowing that there is a box, and prefer to just pop their heads outside once in a while to make sure things are moving in the desired direction.
If you are an individual who wants to succeed outside the corporate structure, the most effective way is to burn the box. If taken literally, that pretty much involves re-enacting the movie Fight Club to its conclusion. This may not be the best approach as it involves putting yourself in considerable danger. You should, however, be willing to take a risk. The current state of the American Dream has so many people going for the same goal in the same way that it is propping up a disproportionate amount of order in the universe. Chaos wants to have its chance, and if you take a big enough risk doing something unconventional enough, with a unique goal, Eris may very well reward you with success.
Of course, Eris doesn't define success in terms of suburban dreams, so it's best to truly have a unique goal. Best to close your eyes, spin in circles, then just start walking, because an object in motion will remain in motion, and you don't want to get stuck at a red light at the intersection of life.
We Erisians seldom pray, it's much too dangerous. Charles Fort has listed many factual incidences of ignorant people confronted with, say, a drought, and then praying fervently – and then getting the entire village wiped out in a torrential flood. – Principia Discordia
President Reagan was a strong proponent of what many people currently refer to as trickle-down economics. It's now known to be a bunch of nonsense, but Reagan can hardly be blamed for his ignorance. The driving principle behind the idea was simple physics: what goes up must come down. It had a strong intuitive truth to it, after all, water leached from the earth eventually trickled back down in the form of rain, and it had been well documented that shit travels downhill, so why shouldn't money do the same?
In fact, money shows a particular talent for traveling uphill. It's not known why this was not observed sooner, but the effects of it can be seen everywhere, most clearly in the banks. Banks are theoretically the cornerstones of the trickle-down economy: they amass wealth, and then distribute it in the form of loans. The rest of the process is ignored in the trickle-down model; the banks then collect on the loans with interest. This demonstrates one of money's most important properties and purposes: money attracts more money.
Many people have been duped into believing that the purpose of money is for buying things. The popularity of this belief is actually one of the simplest ways that money attracts more money: by investing an amount of money into the development, sale, and marketing of a product, the investor can collect money from people who purchase those products. By promoting the belief that money is for buying things, they can easily separate people from ALL of their money.
One of the most interesting things that has been observed about money is it's affinity for floating upward. The hidden potential behind this property has not been fully explored and it is open to exploration for anyone to try. Here are some experiments that anyone could try:
- Make shoes out of money and attempt to walk on water. Note: this should not be attempted on a fountain or any other body of water where people tend to toss coins. As money attracts money, this could interfere with the experiment, or cause one to be held underwater to drown.
- Cover your mattress with money to discover if it will make you mattress lighter and potentially lead to a more comfortable sleep. This might explain why the wiser generation was so fond of keeping their cash in their mattresses.
- Attach money to your key chain and create a dowsing rod with money attached to the end and see if this helps you find your keys.
- When reading Tolstoy, use money as a bookmark to determine if it makes the reading any lighter.
- Fill a balloon with money to uncover an alternative to helium.
He deluded honest men to believe that reality was a straightjacket affair and not the happy romance as men had known it. – Principia Discordia
If you are ever unsure about whether there really are forces in the world trying to maintain dangerous levels of order, just have a quick look over at China. On Sunday, artist Ai Weiwei
was prevented from leaving the country and is being held by the government. China is so committed to order that not only are people not allowed to criticize the government, they aren't allowed to leave the country. Apparently if Chinese dissidents were to actually leave the country, it would upset some sort of internal balance that the country is maintaining. It is as if people who are critical of the government are necessary for proper digestion when they eat the population whole, and they simply can't bear to get the hiccups.
Sometimes you might see someone dancing in the street dressed as a brightly coloured dragon and ask yourself how that could possibly be a symbol of strength for one of the most order-obsessed countries in the world. The simple fact is that it has been their symbol since long before they were the oppressive dictatorship we know today and that changing it would involve just that: change. Change is chaos, and China is a country afraid of Chaos. It's understandable: having billions of people under your control is a dangerous situation. Giving them voice, or at least a non-state-approved voice, could easily crumble the entire power structure.
Countries across the Middle East have been overthrowing their dictators, and rumblings of discontent and democracy have been heard across China. Right now the world is seeing change happen in places where the government does not represent the interests of the people. The Chinese government is particularly fearful that it could happen to them, and they are ready and willing to stop it. At least it appears that way, if you assume that keeping internationally-renown artists from leaving the country will somehow prevent the population from erupting.
Pyrotechnics of pure energy formed her flowing hair, and rainbows manifested and dissolved as she spoke – Principia Discordia
There seems to be few trends in the entertainment industry that have revealed the desperation of producers to separate people from their hard-earned minimum wage. One such example is the reliance on sequels to lure people back to the theatres. This year we will be given the opportunity to spend our money on no less than 27 movie sequels. This is apparently a new record for recycling ideas.
Sequels are not necessarily bad. If you are familiar with the Discordian numbering system, then you know that all movies worth watching come in groups of five. For example, the best Star Wars movie is Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back. It is immaterial that it was not actually the 5th movie made. The #5 in its title is sufficient. If you want some advice on which of the sequels are friendly to the Discordian system, then you are in luck!
- Fast Five – This is the 5th instalment of the Fast and the Furious franchise, but only the third that includes Vin Deisel. It not only fits the numbering system, but if you weren't familiar with the series, you might not even know it was a sequel.
- The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn -- Part 1 – This is the fourth instalment of the Twilight Saga, but as you can tell from the title, there is still one more to come. Some Discordian in Hollywood thought it would be better to turn the 4-book series into a 5-movie series, and they were right!
- Final Destination 5 – This could easily be the perfect fifth movie. Nothing is suited better to the 5-ology format than a horror movie exploiting teenagers' sense of mortality.
- X-Men: First Class – This is the fifth X-Men movie, but only the second origins movie, so there could be some debate as to its right to be on this list. If they continue to put money into this franchise with the same concern for quality, we'll probably make it to the sacred number 23, so either way, we win!
- Rise of the Apes – This is a new Planet of the Apes movie. The original series of films were released between 1968 and 1973, and numbered exactly 5. Then they made a remake and failed to produce sequels. Given the time travel involved in the original series, it appears that this is some sort of inbetweenquel, so you could probably assign it a decimal and it will still fit the numbering scheme.
If sequels aren't your thing, perhaps you are more prone to Hollywood's other great strategy: 3D. It's a fantastic scheme because you could show up for a matinee or mid-week showing when tickets are typically cheaper, and if you want to watch a 3D movie, you have to pay full price, which is actually full price plus $3. 3D movies are able to do this because the experience is so unique. After all, real life is not 3D. However, I have devised a way for you to get the full 3D experience at home:
- Obtain some money, approximately $13-$15, or whatever the cost of a 3D movie at your local theatre.
- Find an open area, like a park, field, or even a street.
- Wad up the money so that it is a single weighted lump.
- Throw it as hard as you can in the direction with the fewest obstacles.
- Observe as your money APPEARS to be getting farther away from you, just like a REAL 3D movie!
A Discordian shall partake of No Hot Dog Buns, - Principia Discordia
Yet another study has been published showing how everyone living in a wealthy country is making themselves fat and diabetic. The latest culprit is the unholy combination of fast food and coffee. If people haven’t always known that fast food was bad for you and makes you fat, Super Size Me should have pretty much cleared up any confusion. This time the list of suspects includes one of people's favourite products of colonialization: Coffee.
Coffee has been a beverage of the rich ever since Haitian slaves were producing it for the western world in the 1700s. Today, we still import it from many of the same places that we were 100s of years ago, and it is a part of everyday life for virtually everyone living in a western nation, not just the rich. Now, the most important tool in your ability to work a double shift is proven to be damaging to your waistline when paired with the only food you have time to eat during that same double shift. What is a poor caffeine fiend to do?
I suppose that the first thing that you'd want to do is just stop caring. Your blood sugar fluctuates all the time. What's another massive spike? Then you might panic about diabetes and want to go in another direction. What's the best way to eat healthy and avoid oppression of developing nations? You want to still to foods that can be found near your home. Ideally, foods you can harvest yourself. Planting an apple tree and waiting for the apples is a bit too long-term for most people in a blood-sugar induced panic, so best to stick to what you can do right now. Dandelions are pretty easy find in many cities and suburbs, especially if you aren't too diligent about lawn care. Conveniently, they are also very nutritious!
Once you've mastered the art of dandelion salads, you may still be hungry. This will take considerably more skill, but the rewards could keep you fed indefinitely: both rats and pigeons are made of meat. Many people choose to overlook this fact, but it is absolutely true. And, with responsible harvesting, you won't even take any food away from the hobos!
The United States of America has been Balkanized, has been divided into twenty petty nations so that it will never again be a threat to world peace. – Kurt Vonnegut, Slaughterhouse Five
Since President Obama decided to have the American military step in and let its presence be felt in the form of air strikes, we are once again faced with the American self-appointed watchdog of the world unilaterally deciding who deserves to be "free" and then "freeing" them. The American Revolution was a remarkable and fascinating event in history, where a colony threw off its shackles and made its own decisions about how things were going to be, inspiring the French Revolution which set off a chain reaction across Europe. It was all, undoubtedly, an unpredictable mess at the time. People died, dictators were overthrown, and people were inspired.
Now, hundreds of years later, the United States is behaving as if it has uncovered the secret to the perfect government, and it's going to follow some sort of established pattern of behavior that is destined to make the rest of the world just like them: Free. It's like they are trying to replay the American Revolution over and over, except that they don't realize that it just doesn't work with big brother pulling the strings. The situation in Iraq is some sort of dysfunction parent-child empty nest thing where you can't tell if the child won't let go of the parent or vice versa. Either way, everyone else thinks it's time for the kid to move out and make it on their own.
One of the really great things about the American Revolution is the way that the French soldiers were influenced and inspired by the Americans they fought beside. To maintain stability, this is the one thing the government has fairly effectively managed to control. There will not be droves of soldiers coming home from Libya looking to stir things up at home because of how inspiring the Libyan rebels were. That's one of the benefits of using air strikes – it keeps the distance. They also maintain their ability to control the narrative. That must be the most important thing, after all. With the whole world constantly on the verge of total chaos, it's the narrative that keeps them feeling safe. It doesn't really matter what happens or why, as long as they can make it fit into a palatable version of the story that won't have the masses rise up, or break off.
